This Is Me

Everything changes Time passes, moments pause  - fast forward, Suddenly I don't remember who I once was...  It's not that I've forgotten, exactly... Tiny moments fleetingly appear  - and disappear, No, it's not that I've forgotten entirely, More that I wasn't really present To begin with.  Boneata Bell. Welcome home. 6th March 2024

My grandma has been writing poems recently, inspired by myself and Diego's life and our conversations with a little bit of fun thrown in. Grandma and I have been working to have our work recognised for so long. It would mean so much to her if you would read it. Thank you x Two house cats on a winter night, Began to quarrel and then to fight All because of a small field mouse, Accidentally locked up in their townhouse. “I’ll catch that mouse” meowed one cat, The other meowed, “We’ll see about that! Mouse scurried off at tremendous pace, Cats followed him like a bomb hit the place! Diego awoke and hurried to see, What on Earth that noise could be, Mummy had told him, always be kind, To any small creatures, he might find. Followed by mummy, Diego said, “Naughty cats got us out of bed!” ‘Time out’, will teach them to be good, They will behave the way they should!”. They mustn’t fight over a frightened mouse, Who was trying so hard to get out of our house, He opened the door, mouse ...

Keep fading, And you may disappear, But if you shine too bright, You may blind your audience. Boneata Bell 8th October 18

Facts About Me Name: Boneata Bell Age: Twenty-five Favourite Actress(s): Ruby Rose Favourite Actor(s):  R.I.P Andy Whitfield. Alexander Skarsgard. Favourite Singer(s): Eminem. George Ezra. Bastille. Work: Primary School. Relationship Status: Single Children: One boy. Pets: Two - One dog, one tarantula. Dietary Requirements: Vegan Tattoos: Three Piercings: Eight. Favoruite Fruit: Melon and mango. Writing began: Age eight. GCSE's: 13 Highest Qualification: Degree (Writing) Favourite subjects: English, Media and science. Favourite Sweet: Balcava. Hobbies: Ballroom dancing and JiuJitsu Countries I've visited: Turkey x3, Spain x2, Greece, Portugal x2, Gibralter, Lanzerotti, Tenerife, Germany, Amsterdam, Rotterdam, Belgium, Cyprus. Favourite Animal: Lion. Favourite Writer: Jane Austen.

You taught me a lesson about love That only I could see, You left me weeping in ways, That would always stay with me. You became the very person That you said you'd never be, So carry on running because My dreams came back to me. 7th October 2018 Boneata Bell

I'm at home in bed. It is too hot yet I'm still sat here in a fluffy winter onesie. It's second hand from the charity shop. Why do most of the items in my house have to be second hand? In fact, why aren't I abroad in some comfortable 5 star hotel bed right now? Why have I never even set foot in a five-star hotel? And why am I still in this onesie? So I'm looking at other peoples' lives on Facebook and I'm wondering why I haven't been on road trips, or why I don't even have a best friend yet. I'm 21. So yes I went and did the university thing, but stayed local. Nothing cool about that. Didn't make a single friend. Hated my way through the course and graduated with a second-class degree that I'm too ashamed of to even celebrate. Three years ago I made the mistake of setting my hopes on a first. The house I'm living in is falling down. The door has fallen off five times in a year and a half. Mould lines the top of every single cei...

  The darkness surrounds my rainbow, As she fights to shine and blind them all - I will not give up on the darkness, I want to battle them all. There may be colours of purple, There may even be fragments of white, But what I see when I open those doors, Is not a tropical sight! I don’t want to give in to the thunder, But the rainbow longs for the rain – Lavender may heighten my senses, But droplets ignite the pain. Boneata Bell 4 th October 2018  

I want to travel across the sea - Inspire a million minds Right in front of me... I want to see the world anew - With countryside green And sky so blue... I want to close my eyes to greed, Just pass it by And pay no heed... I want to change somebody's view - Open their eyes To something new... I want to change the world tonight - Escape the path Of spoil and blight. To watch the birth Of stars at night, I want to change the world tonight. Boneata Bell 01.02.18

Standards adjustment It is absolutely okay to eat food from the floor. Yes, I am in agreement that my standards may have lowered slightly since having my son. But that’s okay because I bagged myself extra toast. Or more accurately I could say I retrieved my stolen toast…. It was a Monday. Perhaps that explains it. I had been serving food all morning and felt that I was on the verge of passing out. Starvation had come painfully close. My stomach wasn’t growling, it was howling. My ribs were peeking through, past my normally podgy abdomen. So then it happened. I stooped to an all-time low… I buttered myself some toast. It was perfect. Warm enough for the butter to soak deliciously into the bread, leaving a trail of gold across my plate. No burns. No half chewed edges. Simple, pure perfection. Straight from the toaster. Then, I added some marmalade. It glittered as I placed it on the table. Two thieving hands grabbed my plate as I turned to close the stairgate. Two already ...

You are who you are. There is nothing to be ashamed of. After all, Some of the most beautiful Minds have the Most intriquate Of details. Boneata Bell 2nd January 2018

You are my heart, I am not afraid of you. Even as you destroy me. And tear me apart. Rip me open. Damage my parts. You are my heart. And I am not afraid of you.

I travel across the tainted sea, And see the world in front of me. I see the death, the pain and fright, And watch those hearts then set alight. I walk among the troubled men, I carry on, again and again. I cry my hurt upon my dress, Then stand up tall, rebuild my nest. I scan those close, I scan those far, I hold my head and start my car. I see the dark, I see the fall, I hear two voices yet summon one call. I travel across the snowy ground, My achievements making my chest pound. I see the death, the pain and fright, I start again, my wings take flight. Boneata Bell 2nd November 2017

There is nothing similar, To that stranger. Who walks into your life, And changes everything. The tiny difference, Upon which you reflect, On those long winter nights. And warn out heart-felt tears, There is nothing like the arms that The stranger, Wrapped around you. Without love, Yet with so much at Exactly the same time. Those warm raindrops, Will potentially kill you When reflecting. There is no way of describing the stranger, But they are in Everything that you observe, For the rest of your life. Yet they aren't. They never appear. They disappear. There is nothing like the stranger. In their captivating ways, A stranger that, Is like a stranger, But in fact has never been, Nor ever will be, A stranger at all. - Boneata Bell 05.05.17

The end of 2015 was a big life changer for me. I lost my house due to a relationship break-up and I moved in with my parents. My little boy turned one years old and started to walk. One relationship ended and another began. I graduated from university and went back to my job from maternity leave. I then got myself a second job. And a voluntary job writing columns. I began to travel to different places around the UK and do various things I never thought that I would do. I began a bucket list. I passed numerous dance exams and I began Brazilian jiu jitsu and joined the gym for the first time in my life. It was quite the year. I decided that I wanted to inspire people to be strong. To keep going. Then before I knew it, one year had passed. That's when I started to take notice of myself.  For the first time in my life I had my nails done by a professional. And my eyebrows saved from disaster. I realised that I couldn't carry on looking homeless. It was time to make an effor...

Sometimes the moon is Jealous of the sky And her beautiful ways. Sometimes the clouds look Beyond the horizon To those brighter days. Sometimes the sea Runs from those metal storms. Sometimes the weed Tries to suffocate The corn. Sometimes the tree Whispers between Tears of the rain. But then sometimes The sunset smiles And saves them all anyway. Sometimes it's not about what has been done, But more so What is to yet come. Boneata Bell 21.03.17

Veganism was something that had always interested me, but having not known a single other vegan, I had listened to the stories I was told. The different versions of tales that were told to me about extremism. I received enough accusations about vitamin deficiency as a vegetarian as it was. I was ignorant, I chose to stay blind to the truth and assume vegans were just being extreme.  I was wrong. I was lucky to be pulled out of my delusion when a vegan happened to add me on Facebook after reading a poem I had written for the newspaper. I accepted her, and over time I understood what I was seeing. I watched someone living a vegan life. A healthy vegan life. I watched her caring for animals, eating food, and wearing her clothes with guilt-free pride. It was the tipping point for me; I knew then, in that moment that I myself, had been another ignorant human being. I began to make, what some would call, major changes to my diet. To me however, they were minor changes. I swap...

I cannot  begin to pretend that 6:00am start s work well as a parent. I  wonder why I am ambitious as I hit snooze for the third time  this morning.  I eventually  bellyflop  out of bed, startled that I now have twenty minutes to get myself ready. I  then  gaze apologetically at the make-up and jewellery that I had presented beautifully, with all good intentions of using, the previous night.  When I had been over- dosing on caffeine, over tiredness and slight insanity.  It is pitch black outside and  t here I am  every morning, losing my  battle against the ice as I slide, ungracefully, across the dirty pavement.  I didn’t have the time to try my brand new work trousers on in the shop , Diego would have been appalled .  He’d have told me off!  S o I purchased them  anyway , disposing of the label and receipt.  T oday I gaze hurriedly around, with  ankles  on display, I begin...

Prince Diego Nothing is mine. Not even down to the last piece of toast on my plate. I'm hungry. I'm losing weight. I'm deprived of food, drink... sometimes even my hairbrush. I am not even sure if it’s okay to live like this anymore. I have considered my options. I am really beginning to believe that this is parent cruelty. It dawned on me last weekend. I began my morning as I begin all mornings, to the sound of my name being summoned, over and over again. Sometimes it pops into my dream as elephants come charging toward me. Chanting. Mummy. Mummy. I don't have another name anymore. I rush, panic stricken to my son to check on his wellbeing. My heart is banging around in another room, calling me. There he stands, a king pointing at the curtains. "Open. Open". He yells. I reassure him that “of course I will my darling.” How could he assume anything other? Then I will dress him, bath him and serve him breakfast in a golden bowl. WITHOUT ...

This month Diego tried to kill me. I found myself wandering around in a daze, blinking stars from my eyes. Then I spotted him, running for the climbing frame. That's how my toddler had plotted it. He'd climbed to the top of the slide so I had gone round ready to watch him come down. He changed his mind. Making a swift change in direction, almost levitating, at leopard speed, back the other way. I reacted as any other mother would do. Turned around as quickly as speed would allow (pretty slow for me), with the plan to grab him and potentially save his life. Instead, I turned and smacked my head straight on the fireman's pole instead. Everything spun. I waddled round to the other side of the slide. Diego was playing happily with another child. Safe. I’d even say unaware, but I know better… He ignored my presence as I tried to cuddle him. Mortified that the "bumping off mummy" plan had not succeeded. I felt myself struggling to see out of one eye. Phone at...

You may have once been my rock, But I will survive you. You may have once been my gun, But I will surrender you. You may have once been my blood, But I will replace you. When all is lost, And hope finds you, Whoever betrayed love, Will never betray you. For strength is a gift, Deep within us all, So whenever we stand up, We will never again fall. Boneata Bell 01.02.2017